In fact, the potent influence of sexuality on our culture and collective direction is so strong that we tend to take it for granted. However, I believe that we may actually tend to underestimate the power of sexuality that lies in us as individuals.
Napoleon Hill, cites in “Think and Grow Rich”  “Sex desire is the most powerful of human desires. When driven by this desire, men develop keenness of imagination, courage, will-power, persistence, and creative ability unknown to them at other times.”*: “Love, romance and sex are all emotions capable of driving men to heights of super achievement. Love is the emotion, which serves as a safety valve, and insures balance, poise and constructive effort. When combined, these three emotions may lift one to an altitude of a genius.”*Napoleon Hill discusses evidence that many powerful, creative people have achieved incredible things by channeling their sexual energy into their other pursuits.

To me, this is an incredibly powerful observation. But it’s also a difficult one for most people to act upon, as many people aren’t comfortable discussing sexuality openly or in such terms.  The effects of our puritanical roots are still evident in our culture, restricting discussion about the critical importance of our sexuality. In turn, this lack of discussion creates a gap in understanding and prevents most of us from knowing the benefits of having a healthy sex life or its potential impact on our success. In fact, I have to admit, coming from rural Virginia where such things aren’t discussed, part of me used to feel nervous posting on the topic in an open forum,where it could be read by my family and family’s friends.

Fortunately I’ve been lucky enough to have had experiences that raised my awareness and allowed me to see the importance of moving past these cultural barriers.  In fact,  one of the most powerful lessons I have learned in my life was during my divorce when my therapist told me that “Sex is the heart of a marriage, a barometer for the health of the connection” What? I sat stunned, having tried so hard to do everything to salvage my marriage. How could I have missed out on that important piece of information? How could something so obvious and significant have passed me by?

I had failed to see the crucial importance of sex in my relationship.  My ambitious nature had discounted it as a key to improving my over-all well-being and therefore my success. The valuable lesson I learned is that sex is an essential component of who we are, and sexual activity is one of our basic functions just like eating and sleeping.

So how can sex bring you success?  There are many ways, and you will have to engage in some self discovery and trial and error to discover the formula that allows you to tap into your potentially hidden sexual energy. Regardless of your partner status, the first step is awareness. As soon as you see this part of yourself as a valuable resource, ideas will come. Prioritize it, refer to my article on pleasure and create a pleasure strategy. The more you focus on your own aliveness, the more accessible your sexuality will be. It will bubble to the top when you are living fully and are joyful.

Additionally, a loving relationship that has a healthy sexual connection is a HUGE secret weapon for success. Especially if it’s one that is alive and you are constantly learning and growing from it. The important lesson here is that sex and love combined is the secret sauce. Like any pleasurable activity, if you are not in love with yourself and fully engaged with it, you will not see as much benefit.  Great connected, loving sex can be the fuel you are looking for that next big idea or inspiration you need to start a new product or offering. I challenge you to think about it and remember that sexual desire is one of life’s most powerful forces. If you are not aware of this and not leveraging it, you may discover that it’s something that can supercharge your energy and creativity thus impacting your business results.

Napoleon Hill presented statistics that the most successful men of all time had equally satisfying sex lives; the data speaks for itself. For further evidence just observe how deflating a lackluster relationship or one with a  non-existent  sex life can be for someone in comparison to the couple full of desire and energized by a healthy relationship and sex. I don’t have to tell you how different their energy and zest for life can be.

Why would you ignore a secret resource that is free and potentially at your fingertips and could super charge your ability to succeed? I can’t imagine any business-minded person saying no to that. So go ahead, put some energy in cultivating your sexual energy, I am willing to bet you will have fun, please your partner AND see your business prosper.  What could be better (or more fun) than that?

However, as Americans, we seem to minimize the vital importance of satisfying our need for pleasure.  In other cultures, it’s given higher priority, and perhaps it’s our Puritanical roots, but here we have come to think of fun and enjoyment as secondary priorities behind work and industriousness, indulgences, or even outright sources of guilt. It’s no accident that we refer to our secret sources of enjoyment (or that we keep them secret at all!) as our “guilty pleasures”.

The best example of this mindset from my own experience was from my childhood on the farm.  Farm life is all about work and very little play.  The ethic was very clearly that you must get all your work done before you have fun.  As any farmer will tell you, his job is difficult and exacting, and I wonder if the hardworking farm ethic were tempered with just a little higher priority for enjoyment if it wouldn’t be less so.

My point is that because as humans we are wired to seek pleasure, then in order to function at our highest level of performance must  leverage that powerful urge.  We need to see it as complementary to, not in opposition from, our work, and that as a necessity it demands a higher priority than our culture has taught us. Unfortunately, incorporating pleasure into our lives in a healthy and productive way is more difficult than it seems (and might even be the reason that pleasure has gotten such a bad rap in the first place…).  After our self-denial we tend to overindulge, we believe that if we have a weekend of fun and squeezing in as much pleasurable activities then we are good to go.

There are a few obvious issues with this strategy. One, we are all different and have varied needs of everything, and pleasure is no different. The bottom line is that you have to gauge for yourself what is peak performance and what is the secret recipe in order to create that magical place where you are energized, creative and in the “flow”. Pleasure strategies can be a great way to help you get there. I am a walking experiment with this idea in my life. Since I make up my own schedule, I have the freedom to try different strategies and see what works the best. In my case I am an experience junkie so I need lots of variety. Therefore what is pleasurable this month may not be the case next month. Variety and stimulation are keys to me feeling pleasure filled.

Think of it this way, you are trying to figure out ways to maximize your productivity. If getting a 20 minute massage in the middle of the day is going to give you 2 great ideas that make you 20k over the next month, doesn’t that make good business sense? I have found that going to the gym in the middle of the day gives me a boost of energy and I am far more productive than I would be if I hold off and workout late in the day. Try it yourself with these three steps:

• Make a list of all the fun, pleasurable activities that get you excited. You want to look forward to them, enjoy them. Pleasure is best maximized in small increments. If we do something that gives us pleasure for too long or in excess it has diminishing returns. Just think about how you’ve felt after overeating versus having a small delicacy that you savored.
• Map out a way to insert these into your daily life, try one a day, or three a week.
• Track your productivity or how you feel afterwards.  What impact did your treat have on your output and your ability to do great work?

Make pleasure a part of your strategy. See if it makes a difference. It has made me more creative, more energized and has increased the quality of my work. I see that it’s a way to tap into my zone of genius in a healthy and efficient way. Try it and see if you see a difference you may find that it has surprising and pleasurable results.

First of all it’s common for people to feel as though they must choose between relationships and careers, that it’s hard to be great at both. And many use this excuse to explain a lackluster relationship, as in, “I work all the time and don’t have time or energy to deal with my relationship”. This type of shortsighted prioritization is one of the reasons for the high divorce rate and workaholic ethos of our country. The tangible results of an extra hour in the office might be more immediately obvious — a larger number on the next paycheck or another deal closed — but the career benefits of an extra hour spent building a loving, mutually supportive relationship may be far greater in the long run.

Secondly, we tend to take for granted the things that are right in front of us. While love is often an overwhelming and overpowering sensation in the beginning, too often we eventually start to take it for granted. Remember at the beginning, that sense of support and well being, that saved trip to the dry cleaners, that pep talk after a bad day? You were thrilled the first time you received this support and it surely benefited you. Well guess what? The support is still there, you’re just forgetting how invaluable it really is to you.
And it’s a shame that people either don’t see or forget to appreciate these things, not only from a personal perspective, but because the benefits of the support that love brings to one’s career are substantial.

Why is this? How does it work? In order to succeed, you’ve got to step outside your comfort zone, challenge yourself and take chances (a known trait of high achievers). In doing so, love and support are huge assets that help keep you going. That feeling that someone is going to love you, help you and support you in success and failure is priceless. And while this support can come from a variety of sources — from a partner, from family, friends or another group — for the purposes of this discussion I will focus on the support of a partner.

Tara Hunt, CEO and founder of Buyosphere.com, recently detailed how support from a partner impacted her business life in an article in Inc. Magazine. She says:
“I once wrote that you couldn’t have love and greatness, but after I met my boyfriend, I realized I was wrong. I hadn’t experienced this type of successful partnership before. You can pursue your dreams and have a happy relationship. It just depends on the person you choose.”
She and I met and had a phone conversation and discussed this very phenomenon, that having a supportive partner increases your bottom line. The support a loving partner can give with picking up the slack at home along with the emotional support is significant. It frees up headspace, it reduces stress and at the end of the day having intimacy produces a calming effect physiologically and can re-generate you for your next day work.

Kate Northrup, co-founder of Team Northrup echoes many of these same sentiments. Be sure to check out this month’s featured interview where she talks specifically about how having a loving boyfriend has impacted her business trajectory.

The key though is meaningful support. So what does meaningful support look like? Meaningful support requires confidence and wanting the best for your partner. It means helping them be their best self. I say confidence is a precursor because the support needs to be there if they struggle or if they exceed expectations. Think of Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend. Think of the confidence he has to have in order to love and support a woman he has seen become an icon and one of the wealthiest moguls around. If your partner feels resentful of your accomplishments then the value goes down the drain. That is the tricky thing with relationships, once the support is conditional, the effect can cause stress and have diminishing returns.

I am learning that often times the things that are readily available to us but that we take for granted are our most valuable assets for being who we want to be. Love is no different. We all seek love; we know the power of love yet we don’t understand that the time invested in maximizing it will come back to us in unexpected ways. Somehow we easily accept that in order to make more money you have to invest money first, even if the paths to profit aren’t clear. Love is no different.

At the end of the day, who really has your back? If you have someone, think again about the invaluable resource you have right under your nose. If you don’t have someone, realize that support is something you need. Find it elsewhere, in a group (an article about groups is coming soon) or hire a coach or consultant. The bottom line is support can make a difference. Not only will you be happier on a personal level, but you’ll be exercising one of the greatest possible benefits to your mind, your health, and your business.

I also had a nagging sense that I wasn’t fully playing to my own strengths. The only options I could think of seemed like a lot of work (that I wouldn’t enjoy). So I was having trouble getting motivated for my next year.

In my first meeting with Laura, she challenged my assumptions and helped me see a different, much more profitable direction for my business. Since then, she has helped me flesh out a plan to get there.

Laura is a natural at seeing what is unique and marketable about you.  Her feedback was insightful, on point and sometimes uncomfortable. She didn’t hold back from telling me what I really needed to hear. As a result, I had a breakthrough in my own thinking about what’s possible and am rapidly moving forward in this new direction.

She’s funny, smart, brash, full of energy and super-positive.  She is absolutely playing to her own genius.

If you are feeling stuck in your business, or if you are just looking for more satisfaction and faster growth, you should give Laura a call.

- Allan Bacon
allanbacon.com

“Success is being what you love”

“Success is happiness”

“Success is realizing the purpose that you’ve been put here for and actualizing it”

“Success is contribution, fun, purpose and meaning”

“Success is loving and being loved, inspiring others, being happy and making others happy. Making a positive difference to yours and other peoples lives.”

Why is it then that while we consciously define success in terms like those above, we still persist in blindly pursuing a definition of success that demands such enormous personal sacrifice in an insatiable pursuit of more money, recognition and acclaim?
The problem lies in the concept of possession. It is deeply ingrained in our culture that THINGS — material possessions, titles, goals — define who we are and our value within society.  We associate success to wealth or status but don’t widely discuss the fact that once we achieve these things, our levels of happiness does not necessarily rise.
In fact, increased wealth, acclaim and responsibility routinely have the opposite effect.  We lose invaluable sleep, weaken relationships, shortchange our families, snub friends, and forgo outside pursuits all for our careers or businesses. Meanwhile, the accomplishments and trappings of “success” don’t bring an increased sense of fulfillment. Once we hit seven figures, we want eight. We get eight and we want ten. And at the end of that road, we realize we aren’t any happier.
This phenomenon of decreasing returns is the result of adaptation. Adaptation, as it applies to happiness, involves our, “tendency to form judgments…relative to a ‘neutral’ level defined by our prior experience”* (Myers)*. A great example of this sort of adaptation can be found in the expectations of Jim Clark, founder of Netscape:

Before Silicon Graphics, Clark said a fortune of $10 million would make him happy; before Netscape, $100 million; before Healtheon, a billion; now, he told [author Michael] Lewis, “Once I have more money than Larry Ellison, I’ll be satisfied.” Ellison, the founder of the software company Oracle, is worth $13 billion **(Kasser).

So why do we believe this, that the continual pursuit of achievement will eventually bring us happiness? I believe a big part of the problem lies in advertising and its role in setting the standards by which we judge the quality of our lives.

By nature, advertising plays on our desire for happiness by strongly implying that it can be achieved through material means.  Commercials show people happier as a result of having the right clothing, car, skin, membership to clubs or shampoo.  The advertising world is so effective and convincing in this effort that we re-route our paths to happiness from intangible pursuits such as positive relationships, faith, and sense of wellbeing to material goods, wealth and artificial goals.

One of the best examples of the power of advertising, and how far a single advertising meme can reach, can be found in DeBeers’ 1939 advertising campaign***** for wedding engagement rings. The intent of this campaign was (unsurprisingly)  to “channel American spending toward larger and more expensive diamonds”. Prior to 1939 diamonds did not have the cache that they have today. In fact they were not that rare and were fairly prolific*

In the advertising campaign young men were targeted with  ads suggesting that diamonds were the only token of true love and women targeted with the concept that no courtship was complete without a sparkling diamond*****.  Importantly, these ads were designed to drive home the point that the amount a man spent on an engagement diamond was proportional to his love for his potential wife.

Unsurprisingly, the ads worked, the social norm is now that a diamond is THE gem to buy to express your love. It only takes a quick google search for engagement rings to see the evidence of their success.

What’s worse, we all know that this type of manipulation is going on, that it’s powerful, and still we continue to accept the status quo.  Confession time: As I type these words, relating the DeBeers’ story to you, I have to admit that my own instinctive feeling is, “If a man buys me a big diamond, he must really love me.”  That’s how powerful these associations are, how effectively advertising can lead us down the road to materialism.

And according to Mihilay Csikszentmihalyi (author of “Flow”)*** this road is a dead end: Dependence on material goods for one’s happiness is futile. Materialistic people are more likely to be depressed *(Csikszentmihalyi, 2003)***.

Robert Arkin, PhD, has proved that one having a materialistic worldview is linked to “lower levels of life satisfaction” Further studies empirically link self-doubt with materialism ****(Beckmann)

So clearly, (and with apologies to the Beatles), money can’t buy us love. We know it through our self-stated definitions of happiness. We know it because the scientists tell us so. We know that advertisers are trying to play with our wiring. We know what’s going on. So how can we escape the trap?

Start by approaching your business growth and life goals with a process that will bring fulfillment rather than contribute to the feeling that nothing is ever good enough. Here are four ideas to help you get you started:

1. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, re-examine your day-to-day work. If you don’t like what you are doing, change that. If you are not enjoying how you are making money, your path will be painful. They key is to love what you are doing and have your work be something you are passionate about.  Do what you love and the money will come.
2. Track your moments of being in the zone. Spend a week tracking the moments when you lose track of time because you are so engaged in what you are doing. What are you doing? What is happening? Connect these dots and see what it is that really makes your heart sing. Look at the facts versus operating on what is ingrained in you.  You may find that what you enjoy most does not involve running a large organization, therefore building that would not be worth your while, even if it meant making a million dollars.
3. When you think that being a millionaire or a billionaire will solve all your problems, stop and take a breath. Then take out a pen or your computer and write down how being rich would change your life.  I am willing to bet you write something along the lines of, “I would worry less”,  “I would have more time”,  “I can take trips to anywhere I want”, or the like. What are the end results of those changes? Freedom? Pleasure? Fun? Can you not get those in your life right now? You don’t need lots of money to find the fulfillment you’re really seeking. Figure out what it is that you most enjoy about those things and start adding them into your life. You can create a life that has all of that so that you don’t have to make a million to have it.
4. Being motivated by your mission and enjoying your day-to-day work WILL make you earn more money and attract opportunities. The more joyful you are the more people will want to be around you. Try it yourself and see the difference. Spend a week being focused on the goal of being joyful in your work, and do what you need to do to be joyful. Get enough sleep, work out and eat well.  Most likely you will find that you become more engaged in the process and less obsessed with the outcome, and the quality of your work and interactions will improve.

Try it and let me know what you discover. I have been interviewing business owners who have seen business growth results increase as a result of focusing on more joy in their lives and decreasing the stress and overwhelm. I am collecting evidence to continue to inspire an alternative approach to business growth. The worst thing that could happen is that you will enjoy life more and isn’t that the point?

References:
*Kasser, Tim. (2002). The High Price of Materialism. Cambridge, MA: The MIT Press.

**Myers, David G. (2004). Psychology [seventh edition]. New York: Worth Publishers.

***Csikszentmihalyi, Mihali.(2003). Good Business: Leadership, Flow, and the Making of Meaning. New York: Viking Press.

****Beckmann, Lacey. (2002). Man’s Best Friend? [Electronic Version]. Psychology Today, Nov/Dec 2002.

*****Birth of a Legend by Barry Kaplan http://www.gemnation.com/base?processor=getPage&pageName=forever_diamonds_1

But in order to assess a fear I have found that you have to unpackage it first, to really consider its components and sources, and to figure out whether it’s worth ignoring. By way of example, I recently experienced some fear in dating a man who is unable to walk. When I really thought about my reaction I realized that it was simply a fear of the unknown. Until then, I hadn’t known anyone who was confined to a wheelchair, or even anyone who had dated someone who was in a wheelchair, so I had no direct understanding of what either role would entail. It occurred to me during this un-packaging of my instinctive reaction just how many fears are a result of ignorance of the unknown.

The moment was an epiphany. It occurred to me that wars have started because of this sort of xenophobic reaction. Racism, homophobia, misogyny, anti-semitism —  many of the world’s ugliest prejudices can result from an instinctive fear of the unknown. When we don’t understand something we often create a mental scenario based on what we do know, and unfortunately it is almost invariably inaccurate. What I learned by spending time with him was that my pre-conceived notions were seriously skewed and unjustifiably negative.  Once I took the time to begin to see things from his perspective many of my preconceptions — and fears — melted away. The only solution to fear of the unknown is to learn to relate, to make an effort to understand life within the sphere of the unknown.

As with everything I write about, fear has huge implications for how you live your life and approach your business. Fear can be something that keeps you from moving forward, from being all that you can be.  When you forgo an opportunity, remember, it just might have turned out to be something life changing, or something that you would have loved — you just don’t know. The key is determining whether your fear is borne out of a real danger, or if it is simply the result of apprehension in facing the unknown. In business growth, it’s most likely the latter, not the former. Having a strategy to face fear and move through it can be a huge tool for success. Here are 5 suggestions that may help you get started:

1.)  Think about your fear, dissect it, and try to determine if it’s a fear of the unknown or a real danger. Personally I am not motivated to bungee jump, it  feels like too much of a threat to my life and I am happy to forgo that experience. But if you establish your fear originates from uncertainty then that is a sign to explore it further.

2.)  Learn about it. Do some research. What do other people say about this fear when they experience it? What are the pros and cons of tackling this fear? Let’s say it’s public speaking. What would the impact be on your career or life by focusing on this? Have you gotten positive feedback but are just scared to do it?  These can be signs that this is something you should push for.

3.)  Ask a lot of questions. Find other people that have tackled whatever you have fear about and ask them how they approached it. What are the rules of the road? What are some tips, tricks etc.?

4.)  Find someone to do it with you. When we resist doing something it’s easy to let ourselves down. It’s much more difficult to let someone else down. When I am feeling less motivated to workout, I make a workout date. There is no question whether or not I will show up — I will.

5.)  Recall how it feels once you have tried conquering your fear. Most people will say that facing a fear is one of exhilaration. I know from personal experience that the things or activities that I fear and conquer end up being some of my proudest moments.

Some fears you know and can plan for. Others just pop up out of nowhere, like my dating scenario. What I have learned is that it’s instinctive to run from the unknown. Thankfully my curiosity is stronger than my fear and I am learning that my fear can be an indicator for something new to explore.

This can also be a huge benefit in growing your business. It’s easy to get in a rut and stick to the strategies that you know. I am challenging myself to learn some new tactics and make them right for me. I challenge you to do the same. Use the New Year as a reason to stretch yourself, to attempt a new marketing strategy, to try a new activity that scares you. And if you need help getting motivated, or creating a new marketing paradigm, or strategy for business growth, call me. I am cooking up new and creative approaches and I would love to help you do the same. Business growth is fun and it’s tied to your own growth. Join me!!

Sadness is a part of life. Just like getting sick, you can’t escape it forever. And you can’t ignore it: you have to acknowledge it in order for it to pass. Sadnesss is unavoidably human, and its infrequent visits remind me of the vast array of emotions that are possible. While being super fired up is my favorite and most common mode (my energetic and frenetic “best friend” if you will) sadness is like another type of friend. She’s calm, slow and thoughtful, and our time together is quiet and reflective.

Like most people, my immediate reaction to sadness is to try get out of it, to solve it, and try to move on. This time though, I took the time to really consider it, even savor it. Why? I spend a great deal of time and effort considering the untapped potential  within everyday human interactions and behaviors, and while the dark nature of sadness made it seem an unlikely place to find such a hidden opportunity for growth, I thought it was worth a try.

And guess what? I discovered some valuable things. For one, sadness allows me to slow down and think, slow down and feel. It also gives me an opportunity to truly nurture myself. To treat myself to something special, something just for me, just because, To stay in and nest.

Also — and this is the part that seems to be the most important — somehow it permits me to allow others to help me. I get support, ideas, and comfort from others. As someone who is generally lifting others up it’s really nice to be on the receiving end of others’ care.

It also is a reminder of how amazing getting attention and support from others is. This isn’t just a lesson for our personal lives, though. It’s a good reminder of the value of business consulting and coaching. We have to take the time to step back and see the value in what we do. Yesterday I sat with a friend who does very similar work to me and we helped each other. It was so fun! It was great to feel someone tapping into what I do and helping me focus and get clear on how to market. It fired me up to receive what I usually give to others and helped me well… not be sad.  Experiencing sadness can be a license to say, “I need help, or a shoulder to lean on”. Once you are open to it, gifts can come to you left and right.

Taking time to re-charge, take care of yourself and allowing others to care for you is a powerful way to pause and to prepare for your next burst of excitement. Life and business is about the ups and downs. You have to acknowledge and enjoy each phase for what each has to offer. So while sadness can feel less fun, it actually can give you a different perspective.  And if you have the right mindset, perhaps the greatest thing about being sad is that you know feeling great is right around the corner…

What is the point of Marketing? Sometimes we lose sight of the fact that Marketing is just about connecting.  It’s really no different than dating and spending time with all the “getting to know you” questions in an effort to see if there is mutual interest in continuing the relationship. Both parties need to feel that it’s worthwhile.

Marketing is the same process. The problem is that because it’s so rarely done in person and there is money exchanged it feels different, impersonal. There is a product, service or offering that is up for grabs and the exchange often feels transactional: it is about whether or not the client is going to make a purchase, not about mutual understanding. Just remember, the advantage to marketing when you are selling a service is that you are essentially selling yourself, which is a more personal process, similar to the “getting to know you” of relationship building that I mentioned above.

What happens when you are getting to know someone? You ask questions, you listen, you express interest in the other person. They do the same thing and so goes the process of investigating similarities, shared values and mutual best interests etc.

Marketing is — or should be — much same process. But because it’s a business and not a personal relationship, people often don’t express true interest in the potential client. They forget to listen. As passionate entrepreneurs we love what we do and we know how much fun we have doing it, but we may easily get caught up in the “telling”.  And for some of us, it may be difficult to recognize that we’re spending too much time telling and not enough listening, so I highly recommend getting direct feedback on your marketing approach. Having someone listen in on my sales call was extremely enlightening to me.

Review your strategy. Are you showing interest in your ideal client? Are you using language that they will understand? Are you relating to their challenges and problems? Do you come across as interested? Are you effectively communicating how your service makes their lives better? It’s all about relating and above all showing interest.

Good luck dating, I mean, marketing.