Does being a happier person REALLY positively influence business success? Despite the evidence many entrepreneurs still think this is pie in the sky thinking. Instead, we’ve been taught to believe that “hard work” — which implicitly suggests  long, stressful hours and personal strain — is the path to success. In fact, people often parade the evidence of their stresses and overwork like professional badges of honor.  I know because I’ve been there. Stress was once my middle name and I thought it made me seem important, valued, indispensable.
Of course dedication and diligence are essential to producing results and subsequently success.  But do the side effects of “hard work” have to be so exacting? And does the achievement of business results at the expense of personal fulfillment actually equate to success?
Perhaps it would be helpful to first establish a better definition of success. Here are some typical responses when I put a poll on facebook:

“Success is being what you love”

“Success is happiness”

“Success is realizing the purpose that you’ve been put here for and actualizing it”

“Success is contribution, fun, purpose and meaning”

“Success is loving and being loved, inspiring others, being happy and making others happy. Making a positive difference to yours and other peoples lives.”

Why is it then that while we consciously define success in terms like those above, we still persist in blindly pursuing a definition of success that demands such enormous personal sacrifice in an insatiable pursuit of more money, recognition and acclaim?
The problem lies in the concept of possession. It is deeply ingrained in our culture that THINGS — material possessions, titles, goals — define who we are and our value within society.  We associate success to wealth or status but don’t widely discuss the fact that once we achieve these things, our levels of happiness does not necessarily rise.
In fact, increased wealth, acclaim and responsibility routinely have the opposite effect.  We lose invaluable sleep, weaken relationships, shortchange our families, snub friends, and forgo outside pursuits all for our careers or businesses. Meanwhile, the accomplishments and trappings of “success” don’t bring an increased sense of fulfillment. Once we hit seven figures, we want eight. We get eight and we want ten. And at the end of that road, we realize we aren’t any happier.
This phenomenon of decreasing returns is the result of adaptation. Adaptation, as it applies to happiness, involves our, “tendency to form judgments…relative to a ‘neutral’ level defined by our prior experience”* (Myers)*. A great example of this sort of adaptation can be found in the expectations of Jim Clark, founder of Netscape:

Before Silicon Graphics, Clark said a fortune of $10 million would make him happy; before Netscape, $100 million; before Healtheon, a billion; now, he told [author Michael] Lewis, “Once I have more money than Larry Ellison, I’ll be satisfied.” Ellison, the founder of the software company Oracle, is worth $13 billion **(Kasser).

So why do we believe this, that the continual pursuit of achievement will eventually bring us happiness? I believe a big part of the problem lies in advertising and its role in setting the standards by which we judge the quality of our lives.

By nature, advertising plays on our desire for happiness by strongly implying that it can be achieved through material means.  Commercials show people happier as a result of having the right clothing, car, skin, membership to clubs or shampoo.  The advertising world is so effective and convincing in this effort that we re-route our paths to happiness from intangible pursuits such as positive relationships, faith, and sense of wellbeing to material goods, wealth and artificial goals.

One of the best examples of the power of advertising, and how far a single advertising meme can reach, can be found in DeBeers’ 1939 advertising campaign***** for wedding engagement rings. The intent of this campaign was (unsurprisingly)  to “channel American spending toward larger and more expensive diamonds”. Prior to 1939 diamonds did not have the cache that they have today. In fact they were not that rare and were fairly prolific*

In the advertising campaign young men were targeted with  ads suggesting that diamonds were the only token of true love and women targeted with the concept that no courtship was complete without a sparkling diamond*****.  Importantly, these ads were designed to drive home the point that the amount a man spent on an engagement diamond was proportional to his love for his potential wife.

Unsurprisingly, the ads worked, the social norm is now that a diamond is THE gem to buy to express your love. It only takes a quick google search for engagement rings to see the evidence of their success.

What’s worse, we all know that this type of manipulation is going on, that it’s powerful, and still we continue to accept the status quo.  Confession time: As I type these words, relating the DeBeers’ story to you, I have to admit that my own instinctive feeling is, “If a man buys me a big diamond, he must really love me.”  That’s how powerful these associations are, how effectively advertising can lead us down the road to materialism.

And according to Mihilay Csikszentmihalyi (author of “Flow”)*** this road is a dead end: Dependence on material goods for one’s happiness is futile. Materialistic people are more likely to be depressed *(Csikszentmihalyi, 2003)***.

Robert Arkin, PhD, has proved that one having a materialistic worldview is linked to “lower levels of life satisfaction” Further studies empirically link self-doubt with materialism ****(Beckmann)

So clearly, (and with apologies to the Beatles), money can’t buy us love. We know it through our self-stated definitions of happiness. We know it because the scientists tell us so. We know that advertisers are trying to play with our wiring. We know what’s going on. So how can we escape the trap?

Start by approaching your business growth and life goals with a process that will bring fulfillment rather than contribute to the feeling that nothing is ever good enough. Here are four ideas to help you get you started:

1. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, re-examine your day-to-day work. If you don’t like what you are doing, change that. If you are not enjoying how you are making money, your path will be painful. They key is to love what you are doing and have your work be something you are passionate about.  Do what you love and the money will come.
2. Track your moments of being in the zone. Spend a week tracking the moments when you lose track of time because you are so engaged in what you are doing. What are you doing? What is happening? Connect these dots and see what it is that really makes your heart sing. Look at the facts versus operating on what is ingrained in you.  You may find that what you enjoy most does not involve running a large organization, therefore building that would not be worth your while, even if it meant making a million dollars.
3. When you think that being a millionaire or a billionaire will solve all your problems, stop and take a breath. Then take out a pen or your computer and write down how being rich would change your life.  I am willing to bet you write something along the lines of, “I would worry less”,  “I would have more time”,  “I can take trips to anywhere I want”, or the like. What are the end results of those changes? Freedom? Pleasure? Fun? Can you not get those in your life right now? You don’t need lots of money to find the fulfillment you’re really seeking. Figure out what it is that you most enjoy about those things and start adding them into your life. You can create a life that has all of that so that you don’t have to make a million to have it.
4. Being motivated by your mission and enjoying your day-to-day work WILL make you earn more money and attract opportunities. The more joyful you are the more people will want to be around you. Try it yourself and see the difference. Spend a week being focused on the goal of being joyful in your work, and do what you need to do to be joyful. Get enough sleep, work out and eat well.  Most likely you will find that you become more engaged in the process and less obsessed with the outcome, and the quality of your work and interactions will improve.

Try it and let me know what you discover. I have been interviewing business owners who have seen business growth results increase as a result of focusing on more joy in their lives and decreasing the stress and overwhelm. I am collecting evidence to continue to inspire an alternative approach to business growth. The worst thing that could happen is that you will enjoy life more and isn’t that the point?

References:
*Kasser, Tim. (2002). The High Price of Materialism. Cambridge, MA: The MIT Press.

**Myers, David G. (2004). Psychology [seventh edition]. New York: Worth Publishers.

***Csikszentmihalyi, Mihali.(2003). Good Business: Leadership, Flow, and the Making of Meaning. New York: Viking Press.

****Beckmann, Lacey. (2002). Man’s Best Friend? [Electronic Version]. Psychology Today, Nov/Dec 2002.

*****Birth of a Legend by Barry Kaplan http://www.gemnation.com/base?processor=getPage&pageName=forever_diamonds_1

Recently I have been thinking about fear and how it relates to behavior. We typically avoid things that scare us, which, of course, makes perfect sense. We have evolved an instinctive fear of threats and this avoidance behavior is ingrained in us as a way to protect us from harm. However, as is often the case, in the modern world our natural biological defenses can unnecessarily hold us back from deep fulfillment. Many times, that which we instinctively fear can actually be harmless, or even a blessing.

But in order to assess a fear I have found that you have to unpackage it first, to really consider its components and sources, and to figure out whether it’s worth ignoring. By way of example, I recently experienced some fear in dating a man who is unable to walk. When I really thought about my reaction I realized that it was simply a fear of the unknown. Until then, I hadn’t known anyone who was confined to a wheelchair, or even anyone who had dated someone who was in a wheelchair, so I had no direct understanding of what either role would entail. It occurred to me during this un-packaging of my instinctive reaction just how many fears are a result of ignorance of the unknown.

The moment was an epiphany. It occurred to me that wars have started because of this sort of xenophobic reaction. Racism, homophobia, misogyny, anti-semitism —  many of the world’s ugliest prejudices can result from an instinctive fear of the unknown. When we don’t understand something we often create a mental scenario based on what we do know, and unfortunately it is almost invariably inaccurate. What I learned by spending time with him was that my pre-conceived notions were seriously skewed and unjustifiably negative.  Once I took the time to begin to see things from his perspective many of my preconceptions — and fears — melted away. The only solution to fear of the unknown is to learn to relate, to make an effort to understand life within the sphere of the unknown.

As with everything I write about, fear has huge implications for how you live your life and approach your business. Fear can be something that keeps you from moving forward, from being all that you can be.  When you forgo an opportunity, remember, it just might have turned out to be something life changing, or something that you would have loved — you just don’t know. The key is determining whether your fear is borne out of a real danger, or if it is simply the result of apprehension in facing the unknown. In business growth, it’s most likely the latter, not the former. Having a strategy to face fear and move through it can be a huge tool for success. Here are 5 suggestions that may help you get started:

1.)  Think about your fear, dissect it, and try to determine if it’s a fear of the unknown or a real danger. Personally I am not motivated to bungee jump, it  feels like too much of a threat to my life and I am happy to forgo that experience. But if you establish your fear originates from uncertainty then that is a sign to explore it further.

2.)  Learn about it. Do some research. What do other people say about this fear when they experience it? What are the pros and cons of tackling this fear? Let’s say it’s public speaking. What would the impact be on your career or life by focusing on this? Have you gotten positive feedback but are just scared to do it?  These can be signs that this is something you should push for.

3.)  Ask a lot of questions. Find other people that have tackled whatever you have fear about and ask them how they approached it. What are the rules of the road? What are some tips, tricks etc.?

4.)  Find someone to do it with you. When we resist doing something it’s easy to let ourselves down. It’s much more difficult to let someone else down. When I am feeling less motivated to workout, I make a workout date. There is no question whether or not I will show up — I will.

5.)  Recall how it feels once you have tried conquering your fear. Most people will say that facing a fear is one of exhilaration. I know from personal experience that the things or activities that I fear and conquer end up being some of my proudest moments.

Some fears you know and can plan for. Others just pop up out of nowhere, like my dating scenario. What I have learned is that it’s instinctive to run from the unknown. Thankfully my curiosity is stronger than my fear and I am learning that my fear can be an indicator for something new to explore.

This can also be a huge benefit in growing your business. It’s easy to get in a rut and stick to the strategies that you know. I am challenging myself to learn some new tactics and make them right for me. I challenge you to do the same. Use the New Year as a reason to stretch yourself, to attempt a new marketing strategy, to try a new activity that scares you. And if you need help getting motivated, or creating a new marketing paradigm, or strategy for business growth, call me. I am cooking up new and creative approaches and I would love to help you do the same. Business growth is fun and it’s tied to your own growth. Join me!!

Sometimes you just feel sad. Usually you can determine the cause, but sometimes you can’t. To be clear, I’m not talking about depression, just about a little blue spell. I am an optimistic person so experiencing such sadness is a rarity, and so I’m always a little taken aback by it.  It’s interesting to see how the world reacts to me sad, versus my normal super enthusiastic self  However, recently I encountered a bout of sadness and I took the opportunity to really reflect on it, to truly consider the emotion and its role. What I have realized is that sadness can be an open door for growth, an opportunity to take stock of your life, to look inward and recharge.

Sadness is a part of life. Just like getting sick, you can’t escape it forever. And you can’t ignore it: you have to acknowledge it in order for it to pass. Sadnesss is unavoidably human, and its infrequent visits remind me of the vast array of emotions that are possible. While being super fired up is my favorite and most common mode (my energetic and frenetic “best friend” if you will) sadness is like another type of friend. She’s calm, slow and thoughtful, and our time together is quiet and reflective.

Like most people, my immediate reaction to sadness is to try get out of it, to solve it, and try to move on. This time though, I took the time to really consider it, even savor it. Why? I spend a great deal of time and effort considering the untapped potential  within everyday human interactions and behaviors, and while the dark nature of sadness made it seem an unlikely place to find such a hidden opportunity for growth, I thought it was worth a try.

And guess what? I discovered some valuable things. For one, sadness allows me to slow down and think, slow down and feel. It also gives me an opportunity to truly nurture myself. To treat myself to something special, something just for me, just because, To stay in and nest.

Also — and this is the part that seems to be the most important — somehow it permits me to allow others to help me. I get support, ideas, and comfort from others. As someone who is generally lifting others up it’s really nice to be on the receiving end of others’ care.

It also is a reminder of how amazing getting attention and support from others is. This isn’t just a lesson for our personal lives, though. It’s a good reminder of the value of business consulting and coaching. We have to take the time to step back and see the value in what we do. Yesterday I sat with a friend who does very similar work to me and we helped each other. It was so fun! It was great to feel someone tapping into what I do and helping me focus and get clear on how to market. It fired me up to receive what I usually give to others and helped me well… not be sad.  Experiencing sadness can be a license to say, “I need help, or a shoulder to lean on”. Once you are open to it, gifts can come to you left and right.

Taking time to re-charge, take care of yourself and allowing others to care for you is a powerful way to pause and to prepare for your next burst of excitement. Life and business is about the ups and downs. You have to acknowledge and enjoy each phase for what each has to offer. So while sadness can feel less fun, it actually can give you a different perspective.  And if you have the right mindset, perhaps the greatest thing about being sad is that you know feeling great is right around the corner…

I am in the process of thinking about my marketing strategies for the New Year and I am reminded of how much I love marketing. For me it’s a creative exercise that allows me to connect with potential clients. I love working with clients and I see each of them as an opportunity for growth, learning and insight. So marketing to them is like creating the warmest greeting card that I can come up with that they will read and feel connected to the message. It got me thinking about personal connection in marketing.

What is the point of Marketing? Sometimes we lose sight of the fact that Marketing is just about connecting.  It’s really no different than dating and spending time with all the “getting to know you” questions in an effort to see if there is mutual interest in continuing the relationship. Both parties need to feel that it’s worthwhile.

Marketing is the same process. The problem is that because it’s so rarely done in person and there is money exchanged it feels different, impersonal. There is a product, service or offering that is up for grabs and the exchange often feels transactional: it is about whether or not the client is going to make a purchase, not about mutual understanding. Just remember, the advantage to marketing when you are selling a service is that you are essentially selling yourself, which is a more personal process, similar to the “getting to know you” of relationship building that I mentioned above.

What happens when you are getting to know someone? You ask questions, you listen, you express interest in the other person. They do the same thing and so goes the process of investigating similarities, shared values and mutual best interests etc.

Marketing is — or should be — much same process. But because it’s a business and not a personal relationship, people often don’t express true interest in the potential client. They forget to listen. As passionate entrepreneurs we love what we do and we know how much fun we have doing it, but we may easily get caught up in the “telling”.  And for some of us, it may be difficult to recognize that we’re spending too much time telling and not enough listening, so I highly recommend getting direct feedback on your marketing approach. Having someone listen in on my sales call was extremely enlightening to me.

Review your strategy. Are you showing interest in your ideal client? Are you using language that they will understand? Are you relating to their challenges and problems? Do you come across as interested? Are you effectively communicating how your service makes their lives better? It’s all about relating and above all showing interest.

Good luck dating, I mean, marketing.

As cliché as it may seem to highlight gratitude in the midst of the holiday season, it truly is the perfect time to examine the power of being thankful. And while it may seem trite to say that appreciating what you have can change your life, through experience and observation I have come to understand the amazing transformative power of simple gratitude.

Let me begin by saying I’ve traditionally been a cynic when it comes to gratitude. As a child I was dragged to church every Sunday, where the act of expressing thanks  seemed more like an obligation than a sincere delight. However through working with Srikumar Rao, who has studied the greatest thinkers of all time and has incorporated gratitude as one of his key tools for fulfillment, I have come to a new appreciation of what being thankful really means. And as a business owner I have learned how true, heartfelt gratitude can be an incredibly effective tool, not only for achieving personal fulfillment but also for fueling business growth.

How can this be? It’s actually very simple. Our minds are wired to focus first on the negative — what’s the problem, what needs to be fixed? By definition, being grateful redirects our focus on the opposite: What is working? What in my life do I appreciate? What is going well? Who do I value? If we allow our default mindset to drive our thinking then we are apt to ignore all that is great. The old saw is true: you really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. We take for granted our health until we get sick, we take for granted our loved ones until something bad happens and we realize that we could lose them at any moment.

The same applies to business. If you take a moment and focus on all the good things that are happening and stop obsessing about what has gone wrong, you will have a more positive attitude towards your work. As experts in positive psychology often note, we become more successful when we are happier and more positive. In The Happiness Advantage Shawn Achor details evidence of this.:

“Doctors put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis show almost three times more intelligence and creativity than doctors in a neutral state, and they make accurate diagnoses 19 percent faster. Optimistic sales people outsell their pessimistic counterparts by 56%.  It turns out our brains are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative or even neutral, but when they are positive.”*

The feeling of being grateful feels good; you relax, you think more clearly. Focusing on negative things produces stress hormones, constricts your blood vessels and depletes oxygen to the brain. This is not good for your health and not good for making good decisions. Taking the time to feel gratitude in our bodies and minds is vital (when practiced effectively take the time to really feel it throughout your body rather than allowing it to just be a fleeting thought), and the effect is more than just momentary.

The reality is that the more you see challenges in your life and business as opportunities and are grateful for them, the more likely you will be open to something bigger and better around the corner. It’s fine to feel disappointment but realize that you are growing from that disappointment and it’s just a stepping-stone to the next big great thing. Thanksgiving is a great reminder of how great gratitude can feel. Why deny yourself of something free and easy that works… just say thanks.

*The Happiness Advantage: Shawn Achor

I have been preparing for an upcoming talk to Savor the Success next week discussing why women should bring more pleasure to their lives and businesses, and how doing so will impact their success. In preparation I have been poring over books and studies that confirm and emphasize the broader underlying theme that happiness breeds business success, regardless of gender.  In the course of my research, it occurred to me how critical our own conscious thoughts (one very important component to happiness) are to our real potential and therefore our success. Meaning , we can influence our success through positive thinking.

This isn’t to say that negative thoughts don’t have their place and benefit, such as when we are faced with immediate threats. For example, in prehistoric times, if a saber tooth tiger came charging at you, the fear and stress resulting from the negative thought of being eaten would initiate a chemical process in your brain, narrowing your focus and prompting you to either fight or flee. (And unless you relish being a tiger’s dinner, the benefits of this limited set of options are immediately obvious!)

But for the most part, the challenges we face in our modern lives are much less dire and imminent, and this negative narrowing of the mind can have undesirable consequences.  In fact studies are showing that there is a biological purpose to positivity. Instead of narrowing our actions down to fight or flight, positive thoughts and emotions broaden the number of possibilities we process, making us more thoughtful, creative and open to new ideas. *Happiness Advantage Shawn Achor

Despite this evidence, however, most people are unaware of the power of their own thoughts.  We still struggle to believe in ourselves, yet the ones that do, achieve great things.  Just ask someone who has done something you think seems impossible. They will invariably say, “I did it because I knew I could.” (Or that it never occurred to them that they couldn’t!) They never second-guess their ability. In fact I just included a quote that captures this perfectly in my recent information letter by Henry Ford, someone who many would agree, achieved greatness. He says “ Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, your right”

My work is about helping small business owners who are changing other peoples lives and going through a new evolution of their businesses. I work with them to create effective brands and improve their business performance beyond what they think is possible. Through this, I see firsthand what makes one person or one business more successful than another.  And time and time again I see that success is more dependent on one’s mentality than any other factor.

But this isn’t a new idea. Napoleon Hill addresses this in his famous 1937 book “Think and Grow Rich” in which he discusses the power of the mind and how those that believe that they will be rich are.  His point was that what you think, you can make happen.

Further proof: There was an eye-opening study done back in 1979 (cited in the book “The Happiness Advantage” by Shawn Achor). It took a handful of men who were 75 and had them behave as if they were twenty years younger for a full week. They lived in a retreat center where every detail of the facility was modified to appear as though it were actually 1959. The magazines were dated 1959. They wore badges saying that they were twenty years younger and their conversations were confined to events and topics that they dealt with in the late 1950s. After one week of acting younger they were tested on every aspect we assume deteriorates with age: physical strength, posture, perception, cognition and short-term memory. The results were remarkable: most of the men had improved in every category. They were more flexible, had better posture and even improved hand strength. Their average eyesight even improved by almost 10 percent as did their performance on tests of memory. In over half of the men, intelligence, long thought to be fixed from adolescence, moved up as well. They also looked on average three years younger. *

I share this story because it’s a fascinating proof of the extraordinary power our minds and thoughts manifest on our abilities. How can you ignore this power when it comes to business success? You must believe that you are going to achieve your goals. If you don’t, re-work your strategy and make sure you are following a path you truly believe in. And if you need help finding this path, make sure you get it. Whatever you do, don’t succumb to negativity — that is the kiss of death. You have the power to create your own destiny. Just believe that you will have success, and guess what? You will.

* The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor

Do you want to be famous? Well you shouldn’t. Fame should be a surprise, not a goal.

From the moment we are born we instinctively seek validation – it is a natural part of human self-discovery.  As small children we hand crayon scrawlings to our parents desperately seeking an encouraging word.  And when we break a lamp our heads swivel to defend against inevitable disapproving stares. Over our lifetimes the desire for validation changes in intensity but the need for it remains, even through adulthood.

Fame is an intoxicating — and perilous — solution to this universal need.

And why not? It appears to solve all of your validation needs: countless people love you and think you are the best of the best, how could you not be amazing? Unfortunately it’s a fantasy, a false illusion.  The number of people who think you are great has no correlation to your own sense of worth.  It’s like money: the more you make the more you want and it never makes you happier. (If fame is so wonderful, why do famous people run from the paparazzi?)

On occasion people have come forward to share this point. In the movie “I Am” Tom Shadyac gives his personal account of his journey to wealth and fame directing blockbuster films. He discovered that he felt empty and disconnected as a result of his accomplishments. He created the documentary as a way to search for the world’s biggest problems and find some answers. His answers were many, but the ones I walked away with were that money doesn’t buy happiness and more importantly that we are all connected, that we as humans need connection — not fame — to feel fulfilled . He didn’t just find that fame didn’t correlate to happiness; in fact he found that he was more unhappy as his fame grew. Now he only lives on what he needs and only does work that inspires regardless of its potential for making money.

The lack of connection Shadyac discovered speaks to my other reason that fame has its downfalls. When you become known by many, a public persona is formed. Ideally this persona would be the same as who you are, but it’s more often the case is the public and private you different. This makes sense though: how can you reveal all of your deepest insecurities to millions of people, do you trust all of them? Do they know you well enough to not get the wrong impression? Your career is then dependent on people liking you. Your persona becomes part of your business success and therefore something that you evaluate and access versus just being you. It’s easy to get caught up in the game. Then you are back to where you started before you became known, not really being known by anyone. That’s why some well known people can come across so artificially, they have to put on a show for their fans and then be who they really are behind closed doors.

I have been thinking about this dilemma because I help small business owners create marketing strategies that are intended to have them connect authentically with their clients. I am faced with person after person wanting to be bigger, more famous, and have a more extensive mailing list. And why not? Growth is essential; I for one love the process of growing — it’s why I do what I do.

What I have been struggling with is the desire to be famous and our fascination with wanting to emulate others that have achieved the highest levels within various industries. There is a pattern of copying what others do so that you can replicate their results on your own. But trying to be someone else never works and it’s not fun. That is why so many people hate marketing. They think they “have” to do certain things, because that is the way it’s done. Sure, there are some basic things that are part of advertising yourself that are universal like having a website but “how” you market is completely up to you. I love creating unique strategies that are a reflection of the business, the ideal client and the passion of the business owner. That is where the secret sauce is. You have to make your own path.  I do this only because I can’t do work that doesn’t inspire me.

I learned this lesson through my foray into learning to paint. I hadn’t taken any classes, I just knew I wanted to paint. And as a fan of Jackson Pollack, I knew I wanted to make BIG paintings, and I wanted to emulate his spattered style. So I went out and got huge canvasses and house paint (there was a house paint store nearby), and immediately began to copy Pollack’s spattering process.

I liked my first piece but in the process of creating, my own style started to emerge. I started to try new things out. I started using different tools besides brushes to make different styles of spatters. And by the time I started on my second canvas, sure enough, I created something totally different that wasn’t spattered at all. I then did another, then another. It turned out that I couldn’t do any two paintings alike. They were all totally different, so different that each looked as though a different person had created it. I found that house paint worked well, so I started blending and doing all kinds of crazy things. The goal with marketing and connecting with customers is no different: do what is right for you.

The challenge is figuring out what you love and marketing in a way that is you. If you are doing work that you love and fame is a result of that, then so be it. But having fame as a goal is misguided.  When Eckhart Tolle was informed that he was picked as a book for Oprah’s book club he responded with indifference — he couldn’t care less! That is a true sign of a fulfilled person. I have seen this in others I have run across and you can feel that they are doing what they love because they have a calling. Fame is something they have to put up with; they are not seeking it out. Yet because of this they become more attractive and then more famous. It’s a funny thing.

My point is that it’s worth looking at your goals and figure out if you are seeking happiness from an outcome versus being happy with what is. Realize that being famous is not going to solve all your problems and that fame comes with as many cons as pros. Shoot for daily fulfillment and doing work that feeds you. And if you become famous as a result, then you can celebrate because you won’t need it, it just is.

What is burning man? What is it to me? That is the better question. I feel compelled to write about the phenomenon of burning man for a few reasons. One is that it’s such a magical experience that I want to record my thoughts. Two, I feel that so many friends ask me this question and I feel that it requires a response.

To begin with, burning man gets a bad rap. In many ways its impossible to say in one sentence what burning man is so what gets translated is a watered down, general description that falls short of capturing the essence of what it is. It’s internal; it’s external and something that is different every year. It’s not something that you actually know until you are there.

I am an experience junkie and have satisfied my need for extraordinary experiences by traveling to different countries. Having been to over 36 countries there is little that can compare to the thrill of stepping off a plane to new smells, new architecture, new food and a different version of life. I love it and had nothing that could compare until I went to burning man.

Burning man takes the excitement of traveling to a new level. Burning man is not only a different country, it’s many different countries wrapped up into one experience. For someone who craves deep, intense and stimulating experiences there is nothing that can compare.

For lack of a better way to translate the extent of the experience here are some adjectives that come to mind when thinking of last week. Exhilarating, challenging, confronting, fun, thoughtful, delicious, warm, cold, hot, grounding, heart opening, stimulating, beautiful, ecstatic, upsetting, connecting, disconnecting…

The space brings forth total acceptance of ones body, image and life. However in that space it makes you question everything that may be happening in you. Many people come away with a new paradigm to operating or thinking. It stretches you to be a better person while at the same time pushes you to your edge and highlights areas that you may not want to have highlighted. It challenges almost every part of your being. While all of this is happening within, there is then the external environment that is like nothing you have seen before.

Imagine being a kid and seeing something you have never seen. I stroll across the playa and can’t stop exclaiming “Look at that! OMG, it’s fucking amazing!” This is coming from someone who by many accounts has seen a lot. Burning man is a feast of the eyes, heart and soul. Fire coming from art that you can control with a pulley, art cars that are moving dance floors, a fire breathing octopus, things that only come to you in your dreams. It takes your breath away.

The nighttime is different from the day. Same art, same playa but everything is lit up with lights and the energy is totally different. Fierce, confronting and more hardcore. The fire takes on a life of its own, its warm to the cold outside and the lights become alive. Walking the playa at night feels like walking above New York City and looking down — it is pumping, beautiful and peaceful. Daytime is more meditative, cozy, hot, welcoming and comforting. You can’t get lost, at night, getting lost is part of the burning man ritual which adds to the dark side of the experience. Both are different kinds of gourmet food. You just want to savor every little morsel and at the same time exclaim how amazing it is.

In addition to all of these magical little pieces there is also the spirit of burning man. Everyone is there to practice radical acceptance of themselves and others. Just being in that energy alone is analogous to being held in a way that you learn to crave. It’s comforting and connecting. You see every type of body on show, and in a way that says “look at me, I am beautiful just the way I am”. You see nudity, you see crazy costumes, and you see everyone being who they want to be. You embrace everyone when you meet them, you love him or her. They love you; it’s just the way you operate at burning man. You dance, you party, you meditate, you connect and you don’t talk about work.

There are then all the workshops and the endless events you can attend. This year I did not go to one. I just wanted to embrace my intention. To just be, to be in the moment and not plan anything. I wanted to completely unplug. I am always ON and going 150 miles per hour. This year was about me leaving all work at home and just being. My RV mate Garrison, came bearing a beautiful gift to those he crossed paths with. He created a necklace and offered it to strangers, asking them. “How do you want to be held by burning man this year?” It was a profound question that produced profound answers. I wanted burning man to allow me to let go, to be free, to be in the moment and to connect.

Connection with others — the whip cream on the delicious sundae that is Burning Man. You connect with people in your RV, your tent, your camp, or randomly on the playa. This year I met someone at a contact improv event and what started as a brief request to dance turned into a four-day waltz that has not stopped. Burning man allows you to explore in a way that is not possible in the real world. You meet someone, it works, and you dive in. You have time, endless time. You become aware of how much structure, society, to-do lists, all of it makes up your day to day. At burning man, you are the architect of your day, your moment in absence of anything. You can work, give to others, snuggle, dance, make-out, fight, cry, anything that you feel you need to do, without a second thought. That is the difference. In the real world, you have to weigh what you’re doing with what you “should” be doing.

Also interesting to note is that this is no walk in the park. As with all things there is a price to pay and it’s worth noting this price. There is the actual cost of it which is not meager and then there’s the hard labor. This is not an environment that is easy to live in. You have to be prepared. It’s a lot of work. I invested four days of work to get 5 days of bliss. It takes teamwork, organization and commitment to show up. It also means using port-a-johns. All in all, the port-a-johns at burning man are pretty clean. At night, however using them is something that challenges me. It’s one of the things I do because I can’t not be at burning man. But once again that is the core of what burning man is, nothing amazing comes without some sacrifice. Using a port-a-john that is covered in shit and makes me want to throw-up, is in the end, a small price. It demonstrates to me what I can do. Anything I set my mind to.

Is burning man a party? Yes. Are their drugs? Yes. But there are in real life, it’s your relationship to these two aspects that really dictate your experience. Just as in life. It is what people who have not been to burning man think it’s about; they are probably the smallest part of the experience for me. It’s what you make it, its you, just bigger.

I am in the re-integration phase. Although it was just 5 days ago that I was still wearing a silver, short-short body suit that shows more skin than a bikini with crazy jewelry and space goggles biking around the playa, it feels far in the distance. However, I know that it’s only a year until I can jump in again. And it’s a guarantee that I will be running back to lap-up something that can only be described as essential. Essential for me to be who I want to be.

I am passionate about creating ultimate experiences and I had the recent opportunity to attend an exclusive Platinum Member event that was hosted by Tony Robbins. I was there to assist Esther Perel in a workshop that we ran for over 130 people as one of the segments of the 6 day event. I have never been to a Tony Robbins event before so I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

The topic was around how to have a fulfilling relationship and get the love you are looking for. It was in one word; magical. Tony is a master and his brilliance was a spectacle worth experiencing. It was a mixture of rock concert, spiritual awakening, resort living and adrenaline pumping tunes. I danced, cried, sat in awe, thought and ideated. I felt like I was immersed into the Tony Robbins universe, we were in Scotland but we could have been anywhere. Besides seeing the men dressed in Kilts at a formal dinner and having a castle be the backdrop to two evening meals I kept forgetting where we were. Scotland played a role in the production but it was by no means the main event. Tony was, and boy is he ever, THE main event. At this event you felt that he was personally observing everyone and everything with such intent that his presence is  the hourse power driving the group forward. He doesn’t stop often and it was commonplace for the day’s events to spill well into the early morning hours and dinner was often a forgotten memory. Hours swirled into each other at such a rapid rate that you lost sense of the day or hour. It didn’t seem to matter and everyone was a willing and active participant in going with Tony’s flow.

As a studier of people doing this work I have to say that Tony is someone who has found and embraced his gift. He is also using it to help people live up to their true potential. His language is directed towards the individual who is super ambitious and thirsty for growth and success. His approach is more football coach then spiritual guru but when he looks you in the eye and asks you what is bothering you he takes on the empathy of a doting mother. People opened their hearts and shared their deepest fears in front of the other 130 people as readily as one would rattle off a grocery list. He creates a safe space and people share. This is one of his clear messages, support others, listen and learn. When someone stands up to share a challenge, nobody will go anywhere until they feel that they have some completion on their questions. Even if its midnight and you have not eaten in 7 hours. You stay and you support.

The other experience that Tony provides is giving you many “zone” moments. You know what I mean when I say that right? For me this often happens when I am working out and I feel like I could run 100 miles and my heart is bursting with excitement. I feel amazing! Tony Robbins creates these moments and they are inserted sporadically throughout the experience. These “zone” moments are used as a tool to provoke breakthroughs. Tony believes that breakthrough moments are an opportunity for real change. When you have an epiphany or awakening you can either step through it or not. If you do not step through it, you miss it. He creates this through using inspirational talk, music and challenging questions, like “do you want to be half-assed in life?” Nobody in attendance to one of these events is going to agree with that statement. He also has catch phrases and the audience finishes some of this key sentences, and he repeats these often. He will say that the repetition is part of the process of change. It also bonds the crowd; they chant, dance and allow their bodies to feel the change as they mouth the words. At times this aspect seemed a bit strange but then you realize its all part of getting people to believe in the possibility. These moments allow one to go to a place of euphoria and self-belief that they cannot do on their own. Take that feeling away and make change in your life. That is the recipe.

Beyond the experience he also shares tool after tool as if he is throwing out candy. While this conference was about relationships there is always an undercurrent of encouragement to live life to the fullest and be your best in every aspect of your life. Tony’s signature course is “Date with Destiny” and “Unleash the Power Within”. His sweet spot is motivating you to wake the fuck up. In fact he suggested to everyone. “Right now, write a wake-the-fuck-up list and review it everyday”. He comes up with some of this on the fly and then laughs, this is good stuff, write it down”. I did and he suggests this for your list:

-       You can’t influence someone when you are judging them

-       Connect with what is real

-       Don’t move someone if you are not moved

-       Go first to break the cycle, lovers lead

These are amazing nuggets of advice, a carefully crafted list that is a by-product of all that Tony reads, blended and served in a way that makes sense and in a direct manner. I love this list.

There was also a lot of great relationship advice and Esther Perel’s talk and workshop was the secret layer of cream frosting hidden in the cake that Tony Robbins served up to his participants. Her ideas were different but so complimentary that you left with your ideas on love changed and expanded. They were brilliant together. Tony was very clear and in agreement that closeness kills desire and tolerance for uncertainty correlates to passion. The more uncertainty, the more passion. He also talked a lot about attraction and the necessity of the masculine and feminine polarity. That polarity needs to exist in order to kick-start attraction. Many couples can be in love and not attracted because they are too close and they have lost polarity by taking on roles that create too much of one dimension. One very common one being care-taking. Not hot.

Such topics as “How to own a woman/man”, understanding the sexual drive around a woman’s menstrual cycle, communicating your needs, gratitude, manifesting the partner you desire, giving first, how to attain connection and passion were just some of the main topics discussed. Tony inserted pole dancing for the women and fight classes for Men to get them tapped into their inner animal. A wonderful sex educator came and gave classes for the women and men separately on sexual anatomy and skills. Esther’s workshop was all about learning about ones erotic mind and turn-ons for men and women. The 6 day conference was a cornucopia of learning, stimulation and fun.

I came away thinking that Tony and Sage (his loving wife) who partners with him on stage to discuss relationship advice, are doing amazing things for people. I would encourage all readers to learn more about Tony Robbins and if a conference comes to your hometown, check it out. If you want to get fired up and are a super ambitious person who needs some tough love and have a secret desire to walk on coals (something he does in one of his conferences) go for it! I can’t imagine you will be disappointed… he puts on a fantastic show.

I wanted to write a post about the world of ideas and passion and how one taps into their own. In my past corporate experience it was rare to find collegues that would have done their job in absence of a pay check.  In my quest to meet other people that have powerful ideas I have run across an extraordinary number of amazing individuals. Most of these individuals have uncovered their own unique gifts and are using them in their daily lives.  In meeting these people I am struck by the energy and passion that is within so many of us.  What I don’t understand is where that gets lost in the process of growing up and creating a career? Figuring out what you want to do when you grow up is one of the most over thought out decisions we make yet we all constantly struggle to figure this out. I for one crumbled under the pressure of this decision when I graduated from college. I remember feeling as though I was going down a highway where I was forced to pick a destination without any joy or clarity around its fit for me. This idea that we are going to be doing something that we don’t enjoy is debilitating and it stops people in their tracks. You feel unable to decide and then are frozen by the fear of making the wrong decision. Even thinking back and recalling this feeling sends shivers down my spine, it’s one of the most irreconcilable feelings.

I am so thankful that I have learned enough to know that that feeling is one that is not only constructed in our heads but also perpetrated by society. The real question is not “What are you going to do when your grow up?” but rather “What do you love doing? What are you naturally good at? What is your gift?” “What do you do despite getting paid or not for it?” That is the guiding force to the work that you should be doing. Additionally, something else I have learned is that there is no definite answer to this question. This is also where we fall short in language. You feel as though you are not really “accomplished” if you don’t have an answer that is defined and clear. The reality is that when you are following your passions and building something new; it takes a different shape every month, year or week. I noticed that when I was trying to explain what was happening in my job to my father yesterday that it sounded unclear and hence not real. Yet it has never felt more clear, real and right to me. So you can see how entrepreneurs and artists can get misunderstood and illegitimatized by our lack of understanding. I am not saying it’s for everyone but I am saying that a powerful lesson is in the process by which an entrepreneur decides what he or she is doing next. They do what they are driven to do in absence of what makes sense, they are doing what they are good at and where the opportunity lies. It’s a process that allows the spirit to thrive. One caveat to this is the entrepreneur who is driven by money. That drive will direct a different path than one from passion. That difference needs to be highlighted because those paths are very different. Neither is right or wrong but when it comes to the conversation of greatness my definition is doing work that is a reflection of your passions and strengths. This is what provides a daily sense of fulfillment and purpose. Granted you have to make money to survive but most great people will tell you first hand, follow your passion and the money will flow.

I am learning so much by immersing myself into a soup of people who are all creating jobs from their passions. It’s a new world and one that I want to share with everyone. It’s a world where people are energetic, excited and motivated by the work they are doing. It’s dynamic, ever changing and analogous to watching the most brilliant action movie of all time. Try it out, figure out what you love and go do it.